In deciding upon a topic to include in my blog I was very hesitant to share my story about postpartum depression with the extended on line community because it was such a difficult personal journey with so much baggage painful attached to it. I also didn’t want to come across as a whiner looking for self-pity nor as someone who has all the answers. However, I decided to go ahead with it as a way of affirming folks who have been throughout and to encourage those who are still in the midst of it along with those who might experience it in the future.
For me it was not a one-time occurrence but a cyclical event that didn’t necessarily take place after every baby, and I have had many (I am a mom of 13 biological children) but more after a pattern of events that began with an extended period of sleep deprivation. So, when a new baby would arrive postpartum depression might accompany the baby who was a poor sleeper/frequent nighttime nurser. If I could stay on top of sleep by napping during the day, or sleeping in a few mornings than I might be able to keep PPD at bay but, if I was unable to catch up then I knew I was in for a rough spell.
Here is what Postpartum Depression would look like for me:
- extremely poor sleep cycles
- mood disturbances
- crying spells
- illogical/fearful/paranoid thought patterns
- isolationist tendencies
- dark thoughts (not thoughts of doing harm but profoundly negative thoughts)
- feelings of hopelessness
- feelings of over-dependency on others
- feeling of inadequacy and inferiority
- inability to stay connected to family members
While impending signs of postpartum depression were quite obvious to me I was never able to avoid succumbing to it even though the signs were very clear. I knew how things would get started for me: extreme sleep deprivation was ALWAYS the trigger for me. I mean this was ALWAYS classic for me on how the cycle would commence for me. And, one of the more interesting pieces to this puzzle was that, although I always knew when a bout of PPD was coming on, I could never hide it from my husband and, believe me, I would try.
I often felt an overwhelming need to prolong him discovering my condition as long as possible. It almost seemed to me that if I could hold off on him knowing by hiding it long enough, than I was avoiding the admission that here I was, AGAIN, in the midst of one of these horrible spells again. He was all too familiar with the behavior, thought patterns, and feelings I would experience in the midst of one of these spells to keep it under wraps.
- So here is what helped for me:
- relying heavily on help from extended family, concerned friends, my church family, my children, etc.
- resting as much as possible even if sleep was impossible for me. My husband would often encourage me to rest my body (day or night) even if my brain wouldn’t let my body sleep.
- staying in a restful mode (keeping my pajamas on, doing activities from my bed such as reading to myself or the children, writing, snuggling my children, taking care of paperwork, etc).
- listening to music and reading material that ministered to my soul. This was so critical for me considering that it was important to keep my thought life positive to counteract the negativity that was so prevalent.
- being super dependent on my husband (helping with the children, making decisions that were difficult for me, shielding me from unpleasant situations/people, handling the responsibilities that were normally mine, etc).
So, what do I want to leave with you regarding such a heavy topic:
IT IS ONLY FOR A SEASON!
I know that may seem so trite but it is really what pulled me through on so many occasions. Just knowing that this was not a forever place gave me the hope to keep going. I literally just had to bide my time or, do my time, if you will, because I knew it was just a temporary state caused by my biological condition.
Make sure there is nothing wrong physiologically that is causing or contributing to the problem.
Maybe your progesterone needs to be tested/adjusted. Perhaps your thyroid isn’t functioning at its optimal level. Could your Vitamin D3 levels need some boosting? Could you be dealing with an adrenal fatigue/exhaustion state? Since doing an extensive amount of research on this subject I have come across so much information that has caused me to really emphasize this piece of the puzzle with folks who may be dealing with postpartum depression. Now, of course, this isn’t always going to be the case, but it’s worth looking into for many women who have struggled in this area.
DO NOT ISOLATE YOURSELF!
As difficult as it may be to reach out for help, especially in the mental state Postpartum Depression brings you to, do not pull a “I’m a lone ranger” on this one. Even if you just let one support person in on what you’re struggling with you won’t regret it.
I hope this little post has been beneficial to you. I’m always amazed at how just talking about uncomfortable subjects can help bring about healing, comfort, and sustenance as well as build rapport with others. Well, reach out to me and let me know your thoughts after reading this.
